solution to unemployment in nigeria

Background
NOIPolls has been evaluating opinions of Nigerians on the most important issues that need to be addressed. In the last eight polls over the seven-year period, the results have revealed the top issue for policy focus to be “Job Creation”. This cannot be overemphasized especially with the unfortunate deaths of about 7 – 18 youths nationwide (actual number to be confirmed) in search for a decent job at the Nigerian Immigration Service (NIS) on Saturday 15 March 2014. It was estimated that at least 520,000 youths registered with N1,000 application fee with the hope of getting a position out of the about 5,000 job openings declared by NIS.
In all of this, the International Monetary Fund (IMF) is predicting Nigeria’s Gross Domestic Product (GDP) to grow at 7.3% this year while inflation will continue its downward path to 7%? Why is job creation still an issue? The answer: Headline economic growth is not enough. Inclusive growth that meets the expectations of citizens (at all levels) is needed more than ever before.
From experience, the only way to achieve job creation and inclusive growth is by tapping into the many innovations of the private sector, particularly Small and Medium Enterprises (SMEs). An army of about 50 million SMEs creating about 500 million jobs between 1980 and 2012 led the Chinese economic miracle. However, against international best practices Nigeria is rated poorly. For Nigeria to sustainably create jobs and forge inclusive growth, the solution is the robust growth and scaling of SMEs.
I am burdened when we I read or hear quotes about SMEs from both public and private authorities – “We have about 17 million registered SMEs, and they employ over 32 million Nigerians.”  This is a myth and the following data proves this.

The 182-page Nigerian Bureau of Statistics/Small and Medium Enterprise Development Agency of Nigeria (NBS/SMEDAN) 2010 National MSME Collaborative Survey reveals the following:

• 17,284,671 MSMEs in Nigeria. The breakdown shows that micro businesses constitutes about 17,261,753 or 99.87%, the small enterprises accounted for about 21, 264 or 0.12%, while the medium scale enterprises is about 1, 654 or 0.01%. Hence, SMEs are only 22,918 representing 0.13%.
• 32,414,884 employment created by MSMEs. SMEs created 39,478 jobs representing 0.12%.

The International Labour Organisation (ILO) in 2013 has the following statistics:

• ILO noted that with 53% of new employment, Nigeria’s informal sector (i.e. micro businesses), constituted by over 17 million businesses, led the growth in total jobs creation.
• ILO also noted that in spite of the positive developments in the jobs market, unemployment rate is 24% with youth unemployment accounting for 38% of total unemployment.

The truth about SMEs in Nigeria is that the sector does not currently account for job creation and inclusive growth.
I would like to bring forward another fact worth considering. “Do the over 32 million job opportunities created largely by micro enterprises help to raise incomes, increase living standards, and improve lives?”
Wearing my HR practitioner hat and my years of experience recruiting for SMEs, I have consistently surveyed jobseekers about their definition of a job that will improve their lives. From the responses, this is the summary of the definition they provided:

• A salary at least three times the National minimum wage
• Benefits such as: Health Insurance, Group Life Assurance, Pension and National Housing Scheme
• Access to annual leave and leave allowance
• Access to training and development
• Access to welfare programs
• A monthly PAYSLIP that can help them access consumer credit from banks

If we review the 32 million jobs created, how many can actually be categorized as a “job” based on this definition? This is the reason over 100,000 youths in Lagos alone will be looking to NIS for a decent job. This is also the reason that ILO launched the global “Decent Work For Youth” campaign. Hence, I have decided to contribute my quota in providing solutions to this situation we have found ourselves in Nigeria.

The Way Forward
1. Policy makers need to commit themselves to the creation of a business environment that is conducive to facilitating SME growth and development.
There are several business environment issues (multiple taxation, infrastructure, etc) that affect SMEs. But let’s take the nagging issue of Power/Electricity as an example. This singular issue is responsible for the death of several SMEs in Nigeria. For instance, the manufacturing sector that accounts for the largest segment of SMEs (according to the 2010 NBS/SMEDAN Survey) is the hardest hit. 90% of this sector is run by SMEs but contributes just 1% to GDP. I was privileged to be the Consultant (ENABLE, funded by DfID) that worked with the Nigerian Association for Small and Medium Enterprises (NASME) on the Public Private Dialogue (PPD) with Nigerian Electricity Regulatory Council (NERC) on the “IMPACT OF MULTI-YEAR TARRIF ORDER II (MYTO II) ON MICRO, SMALL & MEDIUM ENTERPRISES (MSMEs)”.
The PPD was as a result of complaints by NASME members on how the fixed charge element of the MYTO II Tariff structure implemented for manufacturers (i.e. D2 category) was impacting their business. NOIPolls was commissioned to conduct research and fieldwork in all the geo-political zones – Lagos, Abuja, Cross River, Bauchi and Imo. 138 interviews were conducted and 127 were used in the analysis. The result revealed that all manufacturers whether a large business or an SME were subject to pay the same fixed charge for power whether they utilized it or not. So we had cases of fixed charges in Lagos being around N97,000 and as high as N107,000 in Kano. This fixed tariff has to be paid whether there is power supply or not. The implications were so bad that a survey respondent had resulted to cutting jobs worth the N97,000 and overwork his existing staff to produce the same quantity. This was because consumers were not willing to bear the cost, through a product price increase.
At the PPD, the NERC Chairman, Sam Amadi after seeing the evidence-based presentation indicated that this would be reviewed. At the Stakeholder’s Forum on 23 May 2013, Sam Amadi pronounced a 75% reduction in fixed charge tariffs for SMEs. Since the privatization exercise, the DISCOs have not implemented this pronouncement. NASME is now attempting to work at the Consumer Forum levels with the 11 DISCOs nationwide to chart a way forward but this is still at the infancy stage. How are SMEs (especially manufacturers) supposed to grow and create jobs in this situation?
2. Create interventions that will support the start-up, growth and scaling of SMEs
There are a few (I’ve actually not heard of any) interventions that focus on successfully growing SMEs that contribute to sustainable economic growth in a transition economy like Nigeria. Growth, if not properly managed, can overwhelm a business, destroying value and in many cases even causing the business to fail especially with the business environment we have in Nigeria. There are several SMEs in Nigeria that growth was responsible for their failure. SME interventions in this area should be the focus of policy makers and not only interventions and programs that will create more micro businesses.
In another project as a Consultant (ENABLE, funded by DfID), I was part of the team that trained staff of the new MSME desk created by the Lagos State Ministry of Commerce & Industry on MSME Development for the State. During this project, I was privy to read the proposed National MSME Policy for Nigeria. The objectives of the Policy can be summarized as follows:

• Accelerating the profitable expansion of existing MSMEs along the chain of development thereby enabling them to increase their contribution to GDP and employment generation by ensuring that Micro businesses become Small; Small businesses become Medium; and Medium businesses become Large

• Fostering the emergence of new MSMEs in Nigeria, especially among Women and Youth.

We are on the right path with the policy objectives. Is policy enough? We need to carefully think through the implementation plan especially along the lines of SMEs. We cannot keep falling into the trap of supporting just micro businesses while we leave SMEs to keep dying if we want to create jobs.

Conclusion
Its time to take the bull by the horn and I am calling on our leaders to focus on how we can start, grow and scale SMEs in our country to forge inclusive growth and create jobs. We particularly need extensive efforts in the creation of strategic policies, institutions and efficient and effective investments that will grow the real SMEs in Nigeria if we want to solve this unemployment challenge. We cannot continue to front micro business support as SME interventions.
W-Holistic Business solutions in its little way through its solutions has assisted in creating and sustaining over 1,000 decent jobs. We’re staying true to our mission:

“To help entrepreneurs succeed so they can attract investment, create jobs, grow sustainable economies, offer customers better products and services, realize great personal satisfaction and wealth, and fund programs that make the world a better place.”

My final advice for SMEs in Nigeria to succeed so that we can continue to create jobs for our teeming youth is to  “identify your market, and develop a business model that can work in the environment that you are in, and continue to innovate.”
What are your thoughts on how to solve the unemployment challenge in Nigeria? Thoughts from our international audience and Nigerians in Diaspora are also welcome.

To your success!
Olanrewaju Oniyitan

How To Love Someone Who Will Never Love You Back

First, resign yourself to reality: they will never love you back. Either they do not know you exist, or you will never actually know each other, or they simply don’t think of you in any other way than the way they do right now. Your feelings cannot change this. You changing yourself cannot change this.

They will never love you back.

It’s a harsh pill to swallow, but you’ll do it, because there’s no other choice. It will feel like a badge of honor, a punishment you take as your own burden, because you cannot choose who you love (or so you tell yourself), and that works both ways. You cannot unchoose to love them, because you have tried and you have failed. They cannot choose to love you. It wouldn’t be fair to expect one of them without expecting the same of yourself.

So you will continue through your life, walk through your day — interact with them if you must — and feel like a martyr for the cause. You’ll think you’re ridiculous for it, of course — you know you should not love them — but here you are, unable to get over them. You will listen to sad love songs and watch sad romance movies and read sad books and see yourself in every unloved lover, every girl who pined for someone and every guy who stayed there nobly throughout it all.
You are going to hate yourself for being so cliché.
But you will carry that like your burden. You will balk when people actually like you back, because you will have become so accustomed to this fate — this not being loved back — that it will shock you when you actually do get attention from someone. That someone could like you in the way that you like someone else. You won’t understand, and you’ll turn them down, and say that you are taken. Or you’re not interested. Or it’s not the best time for you. Anything to let them down gently, because you know what it’s like to be rejected. Still, though, you will wonder. What do they see in me? Am I likable? Is this pity? If this one person likes me, why can’t someone else?

It will gnaw at you.

You will ask your friends. What’s wrong with you. What you could fix. What you could change. Where you come up short and what you could improve and how you could trick them into thinking you’re the one they want, if only for a little while. You will bargain with yourself, change your clothes, cut your hair, put on airs and like new bands and books and movies. You will try, and feel like a fraud at first — but then, slowly, you will believe yourself. You will think you’re actually this person, because this person is someone who could be loved back, maybe.

Your friends will call you an idiot, and that nothing is wrong with you, and that the person who deserves you will take you just as you are, and you will nod and agree and call them sweet, and try to believe them, but you’ll still feel flawed. Lacking. Wanting. They’re your friends. They’re supposed to already like you. They don’t get it.
You will forget that everyone has their someone, their missed chance, their could-have-been. You will forget that you have given your friends this advice, too, and felt badly for them when they tried to change their whole lives around people who would never be a part of the picture.
But slowly, you will grow tired of the charade, and miss the old you. You will pick up all your bad habits again, the comfortable grooves of being a flawed person that made you so interesting in the first place. You will go on dates, and never tell these dates that you are comparing them to someone else the whole time, but you will try. You will laugh and flirt and kiss and sleep with other people, you will push them out of your mind. You will replace them, and wall up that space in your heart where they live, trying to keep them from getting out.
Because slowly, you will realize that this person who never loved you back is an idea. That’s all they ever were. You did not know them well enough to love them — you projected who you thought they were onto their body, and greedily took that and ran with it. Because they did not love you back, you never did learn how they wanted to be loved. You might have loved them, but they never asked you to do that.
Even martyrs sometimes fight for the wrong cause.
Love someone who will never love you back. Want someone you can never have. Listen to pop songs about unrequited love and leaving boyfriends and girlfriends for new horizons. Wallow in everything unrequited. But even though you cannot choose who you fall in love with, you get to choose the things you dwell on. Wall up that space in your heart. Try to move on. Don’t turn that love into wasted energy. And if you truly cannot force yourself to move on, spend that time loving yourself in the meanwhile.
Somebody should love you back. Why can’t it be you?

How To Love Someone

I’m not talking about the kind of love that comes in passionate sweeping ecstatic bits. I’m not talking about the love that leaves us breathless with hormonally-infused and socially projected chemical responses that we’re doing something right. I don’t mean the love that takes us far from where we started, but that which brings us back, and that which acquaints us with who we are. Not the outbursts of passion that drive us to madness. Not the false pretenses under which we fall into believing we’ll never survive without someone– not the love we attach ourselves to for the sake of self-assurance. Not the feeling that drives us to the obsessive and compulsive withholding of someone, but the love that fills us up and lets them go.
Love someone genuinely. Love the funny little things about them. Reassure them. Let your time together be an experience, not a chore or a social staple proving your worth. Love is not within itself a nasty, manipulating thing, but we become nasty, manipulating people when we hold onto the kind of love that we falsely believe is the only way we can feel that sense of worth.
You have to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they have the potential to become– even if you don’t always love all of those different people. Even if you don’t agree with what they’ve done. Even if you’re not sure about where they’re going. Love them because their souls are worth loving. Reach inside of them and make them feel. Show them the unhealed parts of themselves, and hold their hand while they start the journey to accepting them.
We think of love as though we are destined for a happily ever after, and that it’s only a matter of finding someone else to give it to us. Happily ever after will be infiltrated with illness, death, suffering, sadness, but also great achievement, excitement, adventure and growth. Love is the person you want to be next to you at your parent’s funeral, and who you want to vacation with in the summer. It is not the person who gives you a high. It’s the person who speaks to your soul without speaking at all. It’s the person you don’t know why you love, but you do. Sometimes, even, it’s against all of your better ideas to love them, but you do. Love without reason, and love without condition, is the stuff we’re looking for.
People do not come into your life to fill roles and give you happy days with flawless execution and tireless dedication. Love is a constantly flowing, understanding and patient equilibrium between two people who recognize in one another something deeper than that which they see in others. Learn to see love with your soul, not your heart, and give it from there as well.
Love someone with the same forgiving, honest, vulnerable rawness that makes you lose your breath a little. Love someone because they challenge you, and they make you want to be better. Love someone because their soul inspires you, not because you’re interested in the relief from loneliness and companionship they can provide. Anybody can do that. Not just anybody can show you to yourself.

The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

They might be 30, or 75. They come in all colors, shapes, sizes and income brackets. It doesn’t matter how long they’ve been together. Whatever the demographics, when you see a happy couple, you just know it!
How do these couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”

Happy Couples and Their Secrets

1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.
Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.
2. Work on the relationship.
An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.
3. Spend time together.
There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.
4. Make room for “separateness.”
Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.
5. Make the most of your differences.
Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.
6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.
If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. For instance, instead of complaining how your partner never cleans out the dishwasher, try just doing it yourself once in awhile without complaint. Your partner will likely notice your effort and make more of an effort themselves around the house. If you do both of these things at once you’ve got a winning plan!
7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.
There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.
8. Communicate!
Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so, especially when dealing with incendiary topics: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even though you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.
9. Honesty is essential.
You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural and every day as breathing.
10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.
Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.
Making these secrets an integral part of your relationship won’t be easy. In fact, your efforts may initially seem like planted seeds that never come up. If you maintain your efforts, however, you will likely reap what you sow.

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This just in from the love lab: Surprisingly quirky—and scientifically proven—ways to maintain a great relationship.
Pretend you just met.
Whether you've been together for six months or six years, spend some time each day acting as if you just started dating. Ask him what he thought of that TV episode or share what you'd do if you won the lottery. "Over time, couples stop asking those exploratory, get-to-know-you questions because they think they already understand each other," says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. But because we all continue to change and develop, little daily check-ins like this are what keep the connection growing, according to Orbuch's research of 373 pairs. Chat about something besides the daily grind—at least for a bit.
Nurture your friends' relationships.
You might divorce-proof your own. According to researchers, the breakup of a close pal's marriage increases your odds of splitting by as much as 75 percent. "Some people may see another's divorce as permission to change their own life," says study coauthor Rose McDermott, Ph.D. But when you encourage friends to stay together (happily), you may generate reasons that also apply to your bond.
Burn bras (together).
Forget flowers—feminism is the new romance, say experts at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Women whose male partner is a feminist report better relationship quality, while men with feminist partners experience more sexual satisfaction and relationship stability. "A male feminist partner may increase a woman's ability to realize her own goals and career ambitions," says study author Laurie Rudman, Ph.D. "And male feminists are probably not threatened by their partner's strivings." Plus, these women may be more likely to initiate sex, and no guy will complain about that.
Don't win an Oscar.
That is unless you'd like to thank the academy for ruining your relationship. A Best Actress winner is 63 percent more likely to have her marriage end before her category mates do, say researchers at Carnegie Mellon University and the University of Toronto. (And it's not an honor just to be nominated either: Sixty percent of all nominees, male or female, experience at least one divorce after getting a nod.) While the breakup rate might seem like celebrity hogwash, the findings may speak to an underlying social norm: Sudden one-sided success can put a strain on a romantic partnership. "The increased rate of divorce may be due to a husband's discomfort with his wife's success," says study author Colleen Stuart, Ph.D. "On the other hand, the wife may grow dissatisfied with her current marital arrangement because she now has the confidence and opportunity to move away from a bad relationship." Try to remain a power couple: Encourage and celebrate each other's successes, big and small.
Tweet responsibly.
According to a survey of 100,000 people from OkCupid.com, avid tweeters tend to have shorter relationships—10 percent shorter, on average—than those who don't microblog. "Having your eyes glued to a smartphone screen isn't exactly conducive to romance," says Hatt. Be sure your tendency toward technology (tweets, texts, and otherwise) doesn't take up time better spent engaging in heart-to-heart communication with your guy.
Hold a grudge (as long as he doesn't).
Provided that your partner is able to bounce back from spats, you'll experience greater satisfaction, even if you tend to stay P.O.'d, according to recent research. The mark of a good recovery: You don't allow conflicts about one issue—say, money—to spill over into other areas of your relationship, such as how you help each other after a tough day, says study author Jessica E. Salvatore, Ph.D., of the University of Minnesota. A yang to your yin yields harmony.
Control the boozing.
Any relationship will be shaken and stirred by too much alcohol, but research suggests that young adults who drink heavily (meaning four or more drinks on one occasion for women; five or more for guys) are less likely to wed in the first place and may be at greater risk for early separation if they do. Partyers may be more likely to have commitment issues to begin with, and once they couple up their bonds may be unstable. "If you're going to be in a solid intimate partnership, you're going to need all the good judgment and compassion you can muster," says Hatt. Which means keeping the drinking in check.
Be the beauty to his beast.
Coupling up with an average Joe (with a beer belly) may be the key to long-term love. According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, when men were married to more attractive women, they seemed more likely to step up to the plate, says study author Benjamin R. Karney, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California at Los Angeles. "But when husbands were better-looking, they didn't seem as engaged in helping their wives achieve their goals." (Size matters too: When women had a lower BMI than their guy, both partners tended to be more satisfied, according to other research.) The real secret to success? Support. Whether you're motivated by a gorgeous face or some other quality, couples are more likely to enjoy long-run happiness when they're invested in each other's welfare.
Limit the chick flicks.
If Jennifer Aniston and Ashton Kutcher regularly appear in your living room, your union could be in the danger zone. "Romantic comedies can set up unreasonable expectations, which may lead to unnecessary suffering," says Sean Patrick Hatt, Ph.D., a psychologist in Seattle. "Comparing yourselves with idealized others is a recipe for misery." Sure, rom-coms can be feel-good escapes, but they may also promote magical thinking about relationships. For example, as partnerships mature and the initial intensity tends to fade, many couples try to recapture the euphoria they had in the beginning, says Hatt. "And that sort of thinking is only reinforced by Hollywood endings," he adds. Stocking your Netflix queue? Treat the rom-coms as, well, treats.
Twist the sheets at least once a week.
The average American gets busy about two or three times a month, but increasing your romps to once a week generates as much bliss as scoring an extra $50,000 in income, according to researchers from Dartmouth College and the University of Warwick in England. It's not so much the sex itself that leads to happiness; the frequency is a better marker for a successful relationship. "Couples who like each other end up in bed more often," says study author Andrew J. Oswald, Ph.D. "And it's the liking-each-other part that increases joy." But seriously, who needs a reason? Bank on more booty.

Issue date: July/August 2011

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The secrets of a happy relationship and a dream marriage

What makes for a happy relationship? What are the secrets?
How can you create a dream marriage? How can you be happy?
How does a relationship make people happy, so that they're more resilient when dealing with the inevitable difficult times?
I really want you to believe that you have every chance of happiness! That’s what I work towards in all of my sessions as a couple counsellor. I know it can be really tough and SO stressful when you have relationship problems.
So, this article is packed full of tips and 'secrets' to help you have the best possible chance of creating a happy marriage or fantastic long-term relationship.

The recipe for a happy marriage or relationship, and how to be happy.

Of course it’s vital that you start with some common ground. Shared values and beliefs without a doubt strengthen a relationship.
Beyond that, I’m assuming that you’ve already filtered out unsuitable partners (if not, have a look at my Relationship or Marriage Compatibility Test). So now you’ve established – or you’re in the process of establishing - a great long-term relationship, with or without a view to getting married.
Join me now to discover the key secrets of a happy relationship…

Attention - fulfilling an essential emotional need

The way couples give and receive attention is THE most important factor in an intimate relationship.  As human beings our need for attention overrides any other need.  So, simply by giving your partner attention you’ll do your relationship or marriage the world of good.
There is one caveat though.  The secret is that it has to be the kind of attention that your partner values.  So for example, showering your partner with kisses at every opportunity may feel great to you.  BUT that might make your partner feel overwhelmed. So don't be surprised if this hampers intimacy rather than creates it. The secrets of a happy relationship lie in you paying attention to what your partner would really like.
Here are some tips on how to give your partner some loving attention:

• send a card every now and then, when it’s not expected - it takes so little effort and can have such a positive impact
• send romantic texts
• leave 'love notes' or cards in briefcases, lunch boxes, pockets etc.
• tell your partner what exactly you love about him or her and ...
• why that’s important to you, rather than just saying you love them
• flirt with your partner in the way that you know he or she appreciates (not in the way it suits you) – regardless of how long you've been together
• continue to invest time in novel activities, outings and experiences (this stimulates the dopamine circuit, which helps to create that wonderfully exciting romantic feeling)
• contribute to telling the story of your relationship in a special journal - create a record of all the positive experiences you have together

All of the following tips in this article on the secrets of a happy relationship or dream marriage are examples of how to give your partner loving attention too.
Oh... and by the way, don’t forget - giving each other attention implies giving generously of your time.

3

Helpful non-verbal communication

The purpose of communicating isn't only to pass on information. You also communicate to create a sense of intimacy both emotionally and sexually.
Communication can be divided into verbal communication and non-verbal communication - wow... nothing new here then!
The two of course often overlap, but let's break them down even further.  Verbal communication consists not only of talking and listening, but also of reading and writing.
Verbal communication can happen face-to-face, via emails or texts, or any hand-written messages.
Do you now see how many opportunities you have to create that intimacy and those special feelings?  Use all of them to create your recipe for a happy marriage or relationship.
Here are some other ingredients in my recipe for a healthy, happy relationship and a dream marriage:

• Look into each other's eyes - you'll see couples do it when they first fall in love. Gazing into your partner's eyes really 'affirms' him or her
• Hold, stroke and massage hands (and feet - when appropriate!)
• Touch in many unexpected ways - without making it sexual… as well as making sure you’re in a suitable environment! Touching stimulates the release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which creates a sense of trust and security

For touching to really work its magic – with or without sexual connotation - you each need to have the intent to please your partner. That really is one of the secrets of a happy relationship or marriage.  It needs sensitivity and possibly a willingness to move out of your comfort zone - even if slowly... Try not to be selfish by wanting to have it your way all the time.
It’s also very important that you’re sensitive to your partner’s needs. You or your partner may have grown up in a family where people were just not used to being tactile, so do be aware of how it makes you both feel.
Have you or your partner been subjected to inappropriate touching in the past?  If so, any touching - hugging, cuddling, kissing, holding hands and so on - may sadly come with a great deal of anxiety.  I really know about this problem from all those clients (including couples) who have sought my help. I just want you to know that you can overcome this problem.  Do consider talking therapy - (relationship) counselling can make a real difference.

Helpful verbal communication

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."

- Anonymous

There are hundreds of pages on this website with relationship advice, including a page where you can chat with on online counsellor.  They all contribute to your knowledge, awareness and understanding of (relationship) problems and situations.  All of that can improve your empathy and compassion, which in turn improves how you communicate with each other.
Do have a look at the links at the end of the series in Part 3 for more information about verbal and non-verbal communication.
And I've got plenty more tips for you now! So hop over to Part 2 for more Happy Relationship Secrets, and my advice on dealing with the challenges and tough times.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

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CHINEKWU ANTHONY UGBOR

 CHINEKWU ANTHONY UGBOR

Chinekwu Anthony Ugbor was born November 27th 1984 in Igbo Etiti local government area of Enugu, Nigeria. He was raised in a small University campus in Bayero University Kano. He attended Charity Nursery School, Aku, Enugu state, Federal College of Education Staff Primary School Kano, Bayero University Staff Secondary School Kano and Federal College of Education Staff Secondary School Kano all in Kano State Nigeria. He earned a degree in Library and Information Sciences/Sociology, Msc in Library and Information Sciences with specialization in Information Science all at Bayero University Kano.  I am also known Chineks the  Igbo seed of the Internet and Black scientist